This past week I had an unexpected heart to heart talk with
a friend about friendships. She asked
how I was feeling friend-wise with this whole pregnancy thing. Apparently that struck a nerve with me that I
didn’t know was tender.
The truth of the matter is I’ve felt really alone.
When I am physically with people, the attention is all on me
and baby. It’s fun. But then, there’s a disconnect. Between live visits with people there isn’t
much interaction and I’m feeling the void.
I experienced this feeling a bit when I got engaged too.
Part of it is me, no question. I am physically barely able to do what I NEED
to do (work, horse, rest, bible study, house stuff), let alone the stuff that I
WANT to do (socialize, connect, talk, pay attention to others).
A lot has changed in my friendships over the past few
years. Some whose time had come to end,
ended. Some new ones cropped up that are
still fledgling. And some are in this
weird no man’s land place. Plus, the mainstay group of close girlfriends I used
to meet with monthly changed and we decided to meet up less frequently and that's really made me sad.
As I talked to this friend about what was going on in my
friendships I owned my part of being a little unavailable and dinged them on their
part for not being very proactive with me anyways. And I felt like something about everything
that I was saying wasn’t quite right.
When I think about my friendships, I feel like the really deep ones always had a
way of becoming unhealthy over time. And
the other ones I have I hold myself back from getting too deep because I just can't deal with anymore girl friendship drama, and even more honestly, I worry they don’t want the depth of
friendship that I long for because there is something wrong with me.
I am very insecure with myself when it comes to my friendships.
There I said it.
It’s not that my
friends don’t care, they do…I’m just not the best at pursuing them and I
assume for these people that they don’t want that depth of relationship with
me, or already have someone(s) that fill that space up in their life.
It’s not that they don’t want to do nice things for me…they do, I just beat them to the punch half the time (like planning my own birthday parties as an example, or having one mega shower because I am scared no one would throw other ones for me).
It’s not that they’re
not thinking about me…they just have lives that are really busy too and I never vocalize that I’m feeling
disconnected or lonely.
When you try to be best friends with everyone, you kind of end up best friends with no one...
And then…and then God is extra good and amidst my insecurity moves people to act…maybe, just maybe because the timing was right, schedules freed up and I gave a little space for people to do something nice for me, for once.
Friday a friend asked to hang out, randomly, but perfectly and
we spent a fun, impromptu afternoon at the pool. Friday night, my friends and I got together to
hang out and they gave me a surprise b-day cake for my birthday coming up in a
couple of weeks. I also received an
invite for an over the top fun looking work shower later this month that a sweet friend is throwing
for me.
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| Baby Boy B has lots of "Fraunties" who love him...and me, too! |
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| SURPRISE face! Seriously didn't expect a birthday cake...and it was delicious! |
My heart was filled up and I felt a lot less alone while also acutely aware I
need to make a few changes in how I am thinking about all of this friendship
stuff. I need to stop thinking there is
something wrong with me, I need to remember and appreciate the nice things
friends have done for me and are planning to do for me, I need to own my part
about preempting things and not putting enough effort in, I need to get
realistic about how many really close friendships one can truly nurture as an
adult, I need to
accept that people are busy, just like me, I need to pray for my friendships
and what I want God to do in them and through them. I need to let them know
when I feel alone, they’re not mind readers after all!
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| This is how I THINK friendships should be and it's not the most healthy, realistic expectation. |
